Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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