CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
