Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
