hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
