ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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