I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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