Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
