For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
