If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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