Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
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