I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
