i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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