I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
