An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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