I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
