I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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