Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish you could order shots online.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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