She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize