Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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