Welp...herpes.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
