I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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