Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
