Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
