Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
