Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
