Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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