What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
