Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
