Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
