I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
