Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
