I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
