I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
