I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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