I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
