that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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