Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
