The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
