Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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