He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
