i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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