I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Go christen that room with your naked body.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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