I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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