Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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