I was born with a shot glass in my hand
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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