She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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