Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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