Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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