Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
