I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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