I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
