i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She's JV to your varsity
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the condom got lost in my hair
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
