A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
