go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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