Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
