THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
