I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Oh god it's open bar.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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