From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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