Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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